[[[ Love from Cookoxt ]]]

Alot of things to share!!

4:05 AM

26/10

i have got alot of things to share!!but i dunno where to start!!haha!!

recently have been reading this book "The Secret of Loving" by Josh McDowell..i love this book becos it is full of convictions and straight-to-the-pt suggestions..this is the 2nd time im reading this book, and im must said, it impacted me differently from the 1st time i read it..this time round, there are alot of things in the book that speaks LOUDLY and CLEARLY to me, and I challenged by it, the Holy Spirit prompting me to change..all these principles not only can be applied in marriage, they can be apply in your life whether you are single, dating or married..can be applied in all of your friendships and other r/s..

it is going to be hard to read all at a go, or all at once..i wld suggest you read it part by part and read it slowly.. =)

im almost done with the book, just left abt 10% more to go..Here what i have learnt so far, it is going to be wordy, but trust me, it is worth the reading and later on, apply it in our life. There you go:
(below is quoted from Josh McDowell - The Secret of Loving.)

Becoming A Better Communicator - Share your feelings.
Learn to say how you feel in conversation as well as what you think. Ppl can argue over thoughts, ideas, facts and information, but feelings cannot be debated. They can only be acknowledged. [Eileen: I LOVE this part!!i learnt this in my student care course too!!]

Recognising Mature Love - Removing the guesswork.
I prefer to evaluate love in terms of maturity because i believe that we are always "in love". Thus, the issue isn't whether or not you are in love. The real question remains, "Is my love mature enough to lead to a commitment and a lasting r/s?" The secret of loving is not only being the right person [Eileen: instead of asking "who is the right one for me?", ask "how can i be the right one?"], but also experiencing the right kind of love.

Many Faceted Love - Digging for truth.
Ask yourself these questions: Do i love the way this person acts in public? How abt the way he expresses himself? Cld i be happy knowing that i will hold conversations with this person for the rest of my life? do i like the way she reacts when im feeling down? If i were invited to a reception at Kuvkingham Palace, would i be proud to have this person accompany me as my spouse?

We need to take care, though, to separate the person from his or her activities. My wife doesn't love me becos im a speaker and an author. she helps me in what i do, but she loves me for who i am. A man shldn't marry a woman because she is a great cook, or a woman marry a man because he provides her with important social contacts. ' A marriage is a commitment of 2 people not to exchange products or services but to escape the psychology of exchange together. Each partner receives the other as a whole person, for what he is rather than for what he agrees to do.

Dottie[his wife] shares the way in which we responded to each other was different from her previous dating experiences. " With Josh I was drawn to the whole person. I was attracted to him physically, but i was also attracted to his mind and his manners. I was challenged by his brains, the choices he made, his spiritual depth and the way he is friendly to every person that comes within an eighty-yard radius of him. " This is a total response to the whole person.

Knowledge of a person should be nurtured by our dating habits. We should plan dates which put us in situations that will help us get to know the other person, We need to see the quality of our communication. One of my greatest challenges was getting to know Dottie intellectually. She has a sharp mind and is probably one of my best editors.

One counsellor shares that there is only one way to guarantee a continuing area of common interest during marriage, and that is to build a relationship. How? See your friend in all sorts of different circumstances. Play monopoly or chess with him and see how he reacts when you beat him. You might discover that Romeo has a really hot temper. Do I want to live with that for the rest of my life? you ask yourself.

Mature love is being drawn to the whole person. This not only means loving and accepting another as a complete person, it also means being loved and accepted for what you are in all areas. Some can give this total love, but cannot bring themselves to open up in every aspect and be wholly loved, even though they may want to. Not to be loved as a whole person is to starve, not to love another as a whole person is to suffocate. [Eileen: I LOVE this last line!]

No Conditions Part 1- No "if" or "because".....full stop!!
Now, I am going to describe to you three kinds of love. And i want you to use this description as a mirror to evaluate the love r/s you now have with your friends, family, members of the opp sex, or your spouse.

The first type of love is the only kind many people have ever known. i call it "love if". You and I give or receive this love when certain requirements are met. Our motivation is basically selfish, and our purpose is to gain something in exchange for our love. "If you are a gd child, Daddy will love you. " "If you meet my expectations as a lover..if you will satisfy my desires, i will love you."

I've met so many women who know no other type of love than one which says, "I will love you if you give out." Many marriages break up because they were built on this type of love. The husband and wife turns out to be in love with some imaginary, romanticized image. When disillusionment sets in, oe expectations cease to be met, "love if" often turns into resentment.

The second type of love is "love because of". The person is loved because of soemthing he is, has or does. This love is produced by a quality or conditions in the person's life. "Love because of" often sounds like this, "I love you because you are pretty; "I love you because you can manage the household very well";"I love you because you give me security, because you are so popular,"etc.

You may think "love because of" sounds pretty good. we all want to be loved for certain qualities in our life. Having someone love us because of what we are can initially put us at ease, because we know that there is something abt us which is lovable. But this type of love soon becomes no better than "love if",a truly shaky foundation for a marriage.

For eg, what happens when someone comes along with more of the qualities for which you are loved? suppose you are a woman, and your beauty is one of the hallmarks in your husband's love. What happens whena more beautiful woman comes on the scene? or suppose you're a man, and your wife's love is based on your salary and the things that come with it. What happens when someone with more money comes along?Will the competition put you at edge? Will it threaten your love? If it will, then yours is a "because of" type of love.

Most of us have two image sof ourselves. We are one person on the outside, but we also know we are a deep-down-inside person that few people really know. I have learns that in "love because of" r/s, we are afraid to let our partner know what we are really like deep down inside. We are fearful we will be less accepted, less loved or even rejected, if our partner got to know the real us. [Eileen: This is so so true. Usually this is dependent on how much you can trust the person, the more you trust the person, the more you are able to be vulnerable with this person, the more you are able to be yourself!!]

No Conditions Part 2: This is it!!

Im happy to say that there is still another kind of love. It is love w/o conditions, or condition-less love. This love says, "I love you in spite of what you may be like deep down inside. I love you no matter what would change about you. I love you, FULL STOP!"

Make no mistake. This love isn't blind. It can know fully the other person's shortcomings and faults, yet it totally accepts that individual without demanding anything in return. You cant earn this kind of love, and you cant turn it off. It has no strings attached. It is different from "because of" love in that it isn't based on some attractive quality in the loved person.

"love, full stop" can only be experienced by a complete and fulfilled individual - one who doesn't have to take from life's r/s to fill the voids in his or her own life.

As a person who travels alot, I have seen both Christians and non-Christians experience it over alonger period of time have not just been Christians, they have been Christ-centred individuals.

Christ said, "I stand at the door and knock. If any man hears my voice and opens the door, i will come." So i invited Christ into my life, and in the first six months to a yr, e so fulfilled me on the inside that i felt free to give without demanding anything in return.

You see, this is the basic difference between the "love if" and "love because" on the one hand, and "I love you, full stop" on the other. Love cant wait to give, Lust cant wait to get. The reason i like to call this 3rd kind of love condition-less rather than unconditional is that each of us is restrained and limited by our very nature, which is selfish. Rebellion against God has affected our ability to love unconditionally. Only God thru Jesus Christ has demonstrated a total unconditional love. Only thru faith in jesus Christ can we be forgiven and have a personal r/s with our Heavenly Father because Christ died on the cross for our sins. Whether you realise it or not, "love, full stop" is very important to you.

No Conditions Part 3: The possible dream
If you are not presently experiencing this kind of love, it is likely you are still hoping that someday you will. "Love, full stop" is spelt G-i-v-e. I t is freely giving of yourself. And in this r/s, there is not room for fear, frustration, pressure, envy or jealousy.

At this pt, you may be wondering whether this kind of love is possible. An English woman said to me, "If i loved my fiance just the way he is, regardless of what happened, he would care less about how he looks or acts, and our r/s wouls deteriorate. I replied, "thats where you are wrong" this 3rd attitude towards love is a creative love, one which causes changes in the person receiving it.

During our 14 yrs of marriage, my wife has pointed out to me things in my life which, when changed have enabled me to be a better person, a better husband, a better father, a better representative of Jesus Christ and a better friend. But in our 14 yrs of marriage, my wife has never said to me, "Honey, you have to change!" Instead, she points something out to me, gives me the logic behind it, encourages me in the change, and then she continues loving me. I know that if i never change in that area it will not affect her acceptance of me. Do you know what happens?It is abcolutely amazing. Within me arises the desire to change - not because i have to, but because i want to change. Only this 3rd kind of love causes those creative changes. [Eileen: I have always firmly believe that for a person to change, it must be because he or she wants to, not because of obligation or "have to change" or "to make my wife happy and less naggy". He or she must realised that the change definitely will be for his best interest and for himself, and not change because of the other person.]

Let me share with you, in Dottie's words, why condition-less love motivates her to be better. "I have complete comfidence that Josh loves and accepted me just the way i am, yet he encourages me to be better. This sets me free to be me and to try to be even better because i dun feel boxed in or controlled."

Mature love is characterised by unconditional, or more realistically condition-less, acceptance. Not only is it other-person centred, but it also gives us the desire to accept our loved ones just as they are, and not what they can become or how they can be changed in the future. Put simply, mature love is no more and no less than fully wanting to "get what you see".

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Phew!!finally finish typing!!im truely inspired and challenged by this book to change the quality of my r/s with others..by being the right person..by loving ppl around me maturely to the best of my abilities.. =)

are you inspired too? =)

let me know your comments, how you feel, which part is the most helpful to you, etc after reading!!haha!

posted by cookoxt31 on 4:05 AM
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